Friday, July 11, 2008

Emil 2.0

I know I recently posted a "nerd" entry, but I couldn't help going there again...

My good friend Emiliano decided to do me a favor and make my "The Dark Knight" obsession look like a Congressional Medal of Honor today. Emil's inadvertent affirmation of my comparative coolness began at 8 a.m. the very back of Sacramento's Arden Fair Mall. A little past noon, my redemption was only half complete.

blog note:

virginity-(Aubreyspeak)-vir·gin·i·ty: A social state of being lending itself to an existence devoid of sexual activity despite any earlier engagement in coitus.

See Emil

See Emil maintaining

See Emil maintaining virginity

See Emil maintaining virginity with 700 more

See Emil maintaining virginity with 700 more Apple addicts

See Emil maintaining virginity with 700 more Apple addicts for seven hours

See Emil maintaining virginity with 700 more Apple addicts for seven hours while sipping on a liter of cola

See Emil maintaining virginity with 700 more Apple addicts for seven hours while sipping on a liter of cola and munching a buttered pretzel

See Emil maintaining virginity with 700 more Apple addicts for seven hours while sipping on a liter of cola and munching a buttered pretzel... waiting for iPhone 2.0.

It's OK, Emil. I'll be right there with you next weekend; waiting for hours in a ridiculous line and looking dopey-faced ecstatic to be in it.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Crunchy Sunshine and Cool Cats

I've been decompressing for the past couple of days, and consequently, I flat-out didn't feel like writing...anything. You see, I gotsta to cut you off now-and-again, because it's good for the reader/blogger relationship. If I bombard you, the reader, with life's trivial happenings--perhaps my inability to find alternate employment--you won't appreciate the stuff that somewhat-funny, borderline-abusive animal pictures...

Heh-heh. That cat can mix...and he purposely misspelled his message.

So that's awesome.

But, getting back to less important things...

I guess it would do no harm to fill you in on my near-death experience the other night. But first...a bit of background.

You see, I'm a radio anchor. This typically sounds really cool to the average person, but, be that as it may, it's a decidedly uncool occupation. Because of my limited adventure budget and hedonistic tendencies, I avoid unnecessary luxuries at all costs. Ya know, things like bottled water...and health care (I must have monies for Newcastles and T-bones). You gotta love the fresh, sexy aroma of Recession (also available for women).

My roommates' shared dislike of excess utility debt has created an environment where nobody wants to be the first person to turn on the A/C. I rent a room from a friend, that for the sake of anonymity, we'll call "Tim." Tim, like any stereotypically repressed male of Asian decent, was brought up not to waste; to always save for a rainy day; to generally deny himself of consumerist pleasures.

My parents were both brought up in wretchedly poor households in their youth, but both took care of business, and I reaped the benefits (and detriment) of middle-class-dom. Long ago, I pledged my undying devotion to cable television, barbecues with noodle salad, and air conditioning. And there is no shame.

So, I woke up late Tuesday night in my bedroom; covered in sweat with a woodpecker going at it inside my chest. Oh yeah, actually, that was my heart. It was (I sh*t you not) over 85 degrees in my room at about midnight. Need I mention that this week it has been, on average, 256 degrees during the daytime in Sacramento?

After I took a ice-cold shower, I walked over to the A/C unit on the wall just outside Tim's door. Hmmm...turn it on and look forward to tomorrow's utility discussion or leave it off and die? I could set the air to turn off at 82 degrees, which would only take about three or four hours...


So, I did what any self-respecting person would do under the circumstances. I downed a Heath Ledger-esque cocktail of NyQuil, melatonin tablets and beer then went back to sleep.

So Tim doesn't want to use the air. In Sudanian conditions, I typically do. But it's his house. He's a great guy, but man, is he cheap...and sometimes overly-moralistic if you ask me. He's also extremely cryptic when expressing his beliefs. These behaviors force steam out of my ears on ocassion.

Me: "Damn, dude. It's 95 degrees in here. How can you stand it?"

Tim: "Oh, I hadn't noticed. It seems cool to me."

Me: "Yeah, right."

Tim: "I guess it's just a state of mind. I just saw, ya know, while I was in the Philippines...some things aren't that important."

Me: "But, we're in California..."

Tim: [shrugs]

Me: "...and you're sweating."

Tim: ...[shrugs again] "Oh, I hadn't noticed."

"Tim" if you're reading this, I loves ya, man. But sometimes your thriftiness makes Ebeneezer look like Warren Buffet. You pinch pennies so hard, you can see boogers coming out of Lincoln's nose if you look closely enough.

Let's review, folks.

I'm broke...

California is burning down to the ground, giving the air a certain ashy-crunchiness in the process...

It feels like I'm incubating inside the devil's uterus in my room (oh yeah, I'm 92% certain the devil is a she)...

And I'm seriously considering the far more lucrative field of roadside fruit sales in lieu of (faux) journalism.

Who says everyday life isn't interesting?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Weekend Wrapup

Continued Northern California cigarette flipping and whisper-like winds have once again brought toxic, cough-inducing smokiness to Sacramento. It's like Groundhog Day around here sometimes, I swear.

But anyhow, I'm in a serious state of mental and physical recovery today. This also seems to be a (weekly) recurring theme in my life. Perhaps I should go back to just burning the candle at both ends on Sundays as opposed to throwing the whole damn thing in a hot oven.

Over the course of this past weekend I endured several seemingly minor physical/mental stresses that are now manifesting themselves in an aching case of the Mondays, to include:

Helping a buddy that has already moved about 11 times in the past two years haul his various belongings (including an Olympic weight set) to his new (temporary) house Friday morning after a night in which I had...

Inflicted massive amounts of harm upon my unsuspecting kidneys and liver with a variety of tasty, liquid dehydrators (Hooray beer!)...which continued up until Sunday when I...

Became probably the first person in history to take a vicious, ESPN highlights-worthy charge at first base to help seal a hard-fought victory--in a kickball game--after which I...

Reveled in the coolness of my dubious talent for staying conscious without adequate sleep--after three wild days--while ignoring my body's desperate requests for naps the whole while. But not before I...

Was pulled over by an overzealous agent of local law enforcement, who proceeded to accuse me of driving while talking on my cell phone when I really wasn't.

And I honestly hadn't used my phone all day. I don't get that many calls. It's a simple matter of me not being that cool. I was actually resting my half-conscious, bruised and throbbing head by propping it on my hand, which of course, was supported by my elbow which itself was propped on the passengers seat. Johnny Law apparently wasn't buying this explanation...initially.

It didn't help matters that my cell phone was lying within arms length in the passengers seat, but that shouldn't matter when you REALLY WEREN'T USING YOUR CELL PHONE.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, Sir?"

"No Sir, I don't."

"I pulled you over because you were driving while talking on your cell phone."

"No Sir, I wasn't."

[Exhaling angrily] "I saw you driving with your hand up next to your ear. Are you trying to tell me I'm lying?"

"No, Sir, I wouldn't do're the law, Sir."

And I did go on to explain the head resting scenario, but apparently when he heard "you're the law, Sir" he grew a big rubbery one and all likelihood of any wrongdoing on my part was thrown right out the window. He walked back to his patrol car and made a big show of going over my licence and registration, but I knew I was cleaner than Oprah's (post) dinner plate.

"Well, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, Mr. Henry."

"I really wasn't on my phone."

[sighing] "Just keep your hand away from your ear until the new cell phone law calms down."

Maybe he should just calm down. The stress brought on by visions of a possible nightstick beating along with the various bumps and bruises I collected throughout the weekend have put me in an odd state. I'm honestly a bit elated to get back to the dull routine of work.

Finally, I can get some rest and relaxation in before I have to go back to weekend.