Friday, August 8, 2008


I give "thanks" to everyone who wished me well during my week of foggy sickness. In an effort to painlessly ease myself back into a post, I figured I'd do something fluffy and a list. So here you anecdotal list of fun info about moi.

10 Things About me...

1) I was Baby Fat-Ass: According to my mother, I weighed about 10 lbs when I introduced myself to the world. I have a post-Balco, Barry Bonds-esque head (not always obvious to people because I have a broad upper-body). Needless to say, it was a Cesarean delivery.

2) When I lived in South Carolina for a year as a kid, I... took barbed wire to the leg running from a cow, was almost eaten alive by fire ants, and saw an entire town (Lynchburg) desperately utilize the firefighting "bucket brigade" technique in an attempt to save a building.

3) I couldn't sleep for about a week after I watched "A Nightmare on Elm Street" with some teenage cousins. I was eight at the time. My parents were never the "Poor baby! Of course you can sleep here with us" types. So, I stared for hours at a dark room full of kiddie things which had all taken on threatening, nightmare-ish forms. I've never been quite so freaked out again in my life.

4) I left my heart in Herchweiler. While waiting on a long list for base housing while my family was stationed in Germany, we lived in a little village/municipality named Herchweiler. I got into all kinds of shenanigans there to include: Stupidly grabbing an electric cow retaining wire adjacent to our flat out of curiosity. Splitting my eyebrow open (requiring stitches) after chasing my sister around a village bus stop at about 6 a.m. Launching arrows into our neighbors' front yard. And regularly stopping by a pub after school (5th grade) to sit at the bar and happily sip the free Coca-Colas that Frau what's-her-face kindly gave a bunch of us kids. (Good luck to you kids stopping by in the post-Bush era.) It was indeed, a glorious age.

5) I can sing Christmas carols in Deutsch (German). German was required to be taught in DoDDS (Department of Defense Dependents Schools) there. Being the confused person I am, I went on to take Spanish in high school (after moving to California) and French in college. Now, besides "Stille Nacht" (Silent Night) and a few other yuletide favorites, I can't remember shit.

6) I was shy, then not, then shy again... Actually, the order was reversed. I was probably the most annoying child alive, because at an early age my parents led me to believe I was a Wile-E-Coyote super genius. I read encyclopedias...for fun. Being able to beat my parents in "Jeopardy!" didn't do much for me socially once I moved to California though. So I endured a shy, dork phase in which I actually avoided a few girls who had crushes on me, because I felt so awkward and nervous, I didn't know what to say or do (sigh). Around 11th grade something "clicked", and I was well on my way to not even being able to spell "modehstee." But, what I now lack in humility, I make up for in spades with pure, unbridled awesomeness.

7) I fell asleep at the wheel in Belgium on the way to Holland (to see a girl I was dating) and almost killed myself and another motorist. I hadn't had a single sip to drink; I was just super tired. I woke up - after dozing off while traveling on icy winter roads at around 85 mph - to realize the Autobahn (freeway) had somehow merged into a cross street with a stoplight. That light was red and a motorist who was less sleepy than I had stopped there, about 150 yards ahead. I moronically slammed the breaks and skidded forever until my car went off the road into the shoulder railing; somehow only breaking my front-left parking light.

8) I have or have had celebrity crushes on: Linda Carter, Diana Ross, Vanity, Susana Hoffs from "The Bangles", Janet Jackson, Kelly LeBrock, Ally Sheedy, Elisabeth Shue, Paula Abdul, Nia Long, Kim Basinger, Cameron Diaz, Zhang Ziyi, Mya, Salma Hayek, Claire Forlani, Rhianna, Persia White, Cate Blanchett, Norah Jones, Thandie Newton, Christina Ricci, Gabrielle Union, Kirstin Davis, Scarlett Johansson...

9) In addition to some ink on my upper-back and left arm, I have an English coat-of-arms styled griffin on my right arm. Admittedly, it was something I ran out and did on my 18th birthday as a means of claiming my new-found adult independence after a soul-crushing, conservative upbringing. Little did I know, the inking would literally brand me for life with several popular nicknames including the "Lowenbrau Man" and the "Food Lion."

10) I'm terrified of heights. I don't know where it started, but I have serious issues with altitude. If I look down from anything more than a three-story building, vertigo sets in and I get all freaked out. The funny thing is I LOVE to fly. Well, at least until it's time to land. I'll never skydive. You couldn't drag me near a cliff. Despite what cartoons have taught us, falling great distances does not end with your body scrunching into an out-of-tune meat accordion or lying in an indention that perfectly outlines your body.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In which I am uninspired (sick)

Sorry it has been such a stretch between posts. I typically stay away from the computer on weekends, and I just haven't felt that good since Sunday. Have you ever had one of those weekends where everything that transpires seems fun, but by the time you hit Monday you feel broken-down and lifeless? This past weekend has done that to me, and it's left me completely uninspired...and sick.

Ray Bradbury once wrote that a person wanting to become a good writer should write EVERY day - no exceptions. I wonder if he felt that way after Tequila Tuesdays or Fountain Fridays or Sangria Sundays. Lame excuse, I know. I suppose bender fatigue never hurt Hemingway's production. But, it sure doesn't look like it did much for his stability either.

I think my lack of sleep and stratospheric BAC level over the course of the weekend gave my immune system the go-ahead to take a vacation. Then, some nasty, villainous germ waltzed into the Ole' temple control room and now sits there...cackling and twirling its mustache. My throat itches. I can't stop sneezing. I feel like (Jaundice-inflicted) Adrien Brody looked at the end of "
The Pianist."

So I have no desire to attempt wit. I feel no compunction over not entertaining. I just wanted anybody who cared to know that I'm not dead yet; there will be a proper update as soon as my mojo gets cold or hungry enough to come home; and you should never sleep beneath an open window on a chilly night. You'll end up sick, unfunny...uninspired.