Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Possibly Public Purgatory

As I walked through the automatic doorway, a middle-aged, somewhat unkempt fellow walked out with a look that made me wonder if he had just evacuated his bladder after three days of waiting. This pudgy, scruffy gent shot me some sort of sly, rotten-pumpkin-tooth grin as I passed. "What the hell are you smiling about, Sir Yuckmouth?" I thought to myself-nearing the inner door. As I walked in, I was greeted by the symphony of the damned- sniffles, coughs, cellular ring tones and baby screams. I was truly in hell.

A word to the wise from the apparently dumb-as-dog poo: Renew your driver's license good and early-preferably on the Internet.

I walked smack dab into a queue of les miserables (apparently in the DMV Dimension, there's always a line for the line) and noticed that the woman at the front looked slightly more unhappy than the nine or ten poor souls behind her. I couldn't for the life of me determine what this woman (who obviously couldn't afford combs, lotion, and most especially, manners) was so pissed off about. So back-and-forth went Miss Congeniality 08' and a rather unamused-looking young man at the info desk...

"...Well, I aint waitin' in no damn line, I told yo ass already."

"I'm sorry miss, but you're going to have to wait in line like all these other people."

"Fo dis? {Holding up document} Are you serious? That don't make no got-damned sense."

"I'm sorry mam, but I've done all I can do."


"Excuse me?"


Apparently, acting like a horse's ass in public is not without its benefits. The manager and her charges took care of Suzy Sunshine's issue so expeditiously and ran her out of the building so fast, I couldn't be completely sure that she wasn't some sort of blissfully-unaware, undignified-dignitary. Maybe DMV workers feel the flames too-but they don't want us to remind them of where they are, I'm sure.

Finally, I got to the counter and received my renewal paperwork and a line number. The ticket read "G596". "Oh goody," I huffed while shuffling toward a corner seat. Then I That flat, soul-less, mechanized, she-voice of evil that narrates GPS directions by day, and car drivers' nightmares by night...




I thought I was going to faint. Five-five-one? FIVE-FIVE-ONE!? !? My number was FORTY-FIVE-FUCKING-FREAKS AWAY!!!

Resigned to my fate, I took a chair as far away from the surrounding freak show as possible. Sitting in a DMV is like visiting in an urban bio-refuge. I spent the next hour-and-twenty documenting the wildlife.

-Crazy dead eyes hippie demonstrating police submission maneuvers on a random woman's son (woman laughs).

-Marginally obese woman in what must be a lime-green, plastic dress that accentuates fat rolls, complete with matching strappy sandals that tie nearly up to her knees. Toe nail polish is also lime-green.


-Somewhat cute baby boy with faux-hawk that won't stop staring at me. Mother asks him if he's making new friends in baby voice. Baby releases drool rope and continues staring.

-Hells Angels-esque old timer in wheelchair and wearing "P.O.W./M.I.A." jacket tells attendant he didn't renew his registration sooner because of "all the stupid people here."

-Man in seat across allows chihuahua-like lap dog to lick inside his mouth.

"NOW-SER-VING...G...FIVE-NINE-SIX..." "Oh, my god." "Thank you Mr. Jesus."

"Yes, I'd be more than happy to pay 30 dollars to renew my license." "You take ATM?" "Great." "Yeah, tomorrow's my birthday...gettin' old, I know." "That's it?" "Awesome." "Thank you so much."

Practically skipping out, I looked back at that cursed room-"Yup...absolutely as bad as they say."

On the way out the front door I came across a younger man wearing a T-shirt, jeans and a baseball cap pulled down that almost covered eyes that were widened in anticipation. His face showed purpose...and hurry.

As we passed I acknowledged the youngster...

with a nod most sincere...

and a grin most wicked.