Friday, June 27, 2008

It's Friday...and you aint got sh*t to do!

Woo-hoo! It's Friday!

I have to admit I'm feeling a bit peaked after a Thursday night brimmed with free Angelina Jolie butt crack and good beer Keystone Light. But it's Friday nonetheless, so I'm giddy by default. Back to Angelina. A friend and (peace-loving) neighbor of mine managed to snag 7:30 advance-screening tickets for "Wanted" (featuring James McAvoy and the pregnant half of the "Brangelina" Internet monster).

If you mix one part "The Matrix", two parts "Fight Club", toss in a pinch of "Shoot em' Up" and top the bloodletting off with a Star Wars-esque cherry, you've pretty much got "Wanted." Derivative? Yup. Implausible? You better believe it. Enjoyable if you can check all logic at the door? Absolutely. Plus Angelina shows off her anorexic buns, which amazingly managed to look like something slightly more substantial than legs connecting directly into a lower back. But not by much.

The distraction fueled by Angie's "please buy me a Six Dollar Burger" frame aside - I enjoyed Wanted for the big, ridiculously over-the-top, cheesy action spectacle it is. Three-and-a-half out of five stars .

It's amazing that I could possibly be in a halfway decent mood considering I only got about four hours of sleep last night (That's where the beer came in). I guess that's the power of Friday. How awesome are Fridays? Don't try to answer that, it was rhetorical.

Anyhow, Fridays were discovered by hungry bar-goers in late 19th century California - apparently only three skips away from Ruby Tuesdays [[ba-da-ting!]] Ahem. Its English form stems from the German word "Freitag" which translates to "Dude! Where are we going for happy hour?"

Interesting fact, huh?

In honor of Friday I present...

Aubrey's Top Ten Reasons You Gotta Love Friday

10. Your boss is too busy haggling for a Saturday morning tee time over the phone to notice you coming in late.

9. Everyone at work is on the same page: the one titled "Unproductive".

8. Two Words: happy...hour.

7. No matter what date is written on your birth certificate, every birthday is really on Friday.

6. Unless you provide some sort of valuable public service, such as firefighting, soldiering or working the register at Cinnabon, you're probably off the next day.

5. People are in a better mood throughout the least until Happy Hour ends.

4. People that are still in a good mood after Happy Hour are much more likely to make whoopee with you just because.

3. If you don't have a job, Friday is extra cool because Chris Tucker will eventually show up at your porch with a doobie.

2. Sex is 82.4% better on Fridays in comparison to Mondays. Look it's science!

And the #1. reason you gotta love Fridays...

You don't need to bother blowing gas money at a strip club, it's "dress down" day at your local Hooters!

Merry Friday to all! And to all a great Happy Hour!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Love Thy Neighbor

I'm going to try to keep this blog fair and mood-balanced if I can help it, but it's time for a balls-out rant. Here's my issue...

I hate my neighbors. And I am in no way being euphemistic. I unequivocally abhor, detest, loath and flat-out want to murder my neighbors. As you can undoubtedly deduce, I didn't quite ace the "Ten Commandments" quiz in my childhood Sunday school. It's not that I'm any more cantankerous, evil-tempered, or crotchety than the next person living within the poverty cutoff. These people are just...well, how do I put this nicely? OK, they're obnoxiously loud, utterly oblivious asshats that should be sterilized immediately.

It's technically too late for spaying and neutering already, as both sets of offending dwellers have already spawned. Their offspring have merged to form a cohesive racket-making unit whose skateboards, portable basketball hoop and sheer vocal firepower make up a small fraction of a quiet-killing arsenal used to drive me batshit. And of course, they come from the absolute finest in noisemaker stock.

One child, an almost certain future drill instructor who wears his hair in cornrows, lives directly across the street with his mother, father, and the rest of their aurally offensive brood. His accomplice, a tow-headed, blue-eyed shrieker from two doors down, never knew a sunrise that wasn't perfect for ceaselessly clanging a basketball off that rickety hoop. This winner lives with his parents and apparently popular teenage brother, who handles the night shift portion of their "so help me god" sworn duty to deprive me of sleep.

If it weren't enough that these spawn of the damned perform untimely yodels, launch sunrise-beating three-point shots, and have marijuana-fueled roundtable discussions by the pale moonlight-their parents all but encourage it.

Little Sergeant Shouter no doubt became library-ready on account of his mother's example, which by the way, leads me to believe she's legally deaf. As far as I'm concerned, this woman's "volume" knob has only two settings:




She yells when she's calling the Sarge in for the night. She screams her daughter's name out of the car window over-and-over (all the while honking the horn like a New York cabbie) when she's waiting to give her a ride. She echoes throughout the neighborhood at night when she comes home elated after doing whatever it is overweight, tonally-challenged black women do. I've dated every kind of woman under the sun except a shouter, and my mom never yells, so for lack of reference, I'll assume the night ruckus is just buffet afterglow.

Little Larry (Bird) and his pothead brother have a mother that is exactly the opposite-you never hear or see her. I swear I've seen this woman once the entire year I've lived here. And when I said "hi" she acted like she didn't hear me. No wonder this kid is out shooting hoops in the middle of the street at 4:30 a.m. - he's waiting for mom to return from the ear doctor. About 11 p.m. Sunday through Thursday, her older son and his esteemed associates gather in the family driveway to laugh like hyenas while pondering the mysteries of the universe. I'd give my left testicle for sniper skills and an up-to-date family tree.

Sigh...Maybe I've just forgotten what it was like to be young and carefree-without a worry in the world to temper life's excitement. Perhaps I'm just a cane-waving, rocking-chair-ridden cliché deep down in my admittedly cynical soul. But, I love an open-window breeze, and besides...if I'm the one that's so damned old, why the hell is everybody else doing all the yelling?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Capital Croon

A strange thing happened today.

While peering out my office window at the incessant Arden Way mechanized rat race and admiring Sacramento's current monochromatic, toxic soup skyline (which no doubt foreshadows the coming Apocalypse), I suddenly burst into song...

~Ode To Sacramento~

Crystallized meth dens and hobos with kittens~

Crack whores that beckon, pretending they're smitten~

Red-necks and racists and biker drug rings~

Sac Town has all of my faaaavorite things!

Pot holes and craters in most of the freeways~

Where oversized pick-ups and giant Humvees play~

Huge 'No Fear' stickers and children with bling~

Sac Town has all of my faaaavorite things!

Wannabe gangsters with stagecoach-sized tires~

Our poo-filled rivers and smog from the fires~

Capital city, your praises I sing!

Cause' you have all of my faaavorite things!

Sac Town has all of my fa-vor-ite thi-iiiings!