Friday, August 8, 2008

Moi

I give "thanks" to everyone who wished me well during my week of foggy sickness. In an effort to painlessly ease myself back into a post, I figured I'd do something fluffy and fun...like a list. So here you go...an anecdotal list of fun info about moi.

10 Things About me...

1) I was Baby Fat-Ass: According to my mother, I weighed about 10 lbs when I introduced myself to the world. I have a post-Balco, Barry Bonds-esque head (not always obvious to people because I have a broad upper-body). Needless to say, it was a Cesarean delivery.

2) When I lived in South Carolina for a year as a kid, I... took barbed wire to the leg running from a cow, was almost eaten alive by fire ants, and saw an entire town (Lynchburg) desperately utilize the firefighting "bucket brigade" technique in an attempt to save a building.

3) I couldn't sleep for about a week after I watched "A Nightmare on Elm Street" with some teenage cousins. I was eight at the time. My parents were never the "Poor baby! Of course you can sleep here with us" types. So, I stared for hours at a dark room full of kiddie things which had all taken on threatening, nightmare-ish forms. I've never been quite so freaked out again in my life.

4) I left my heart in Herchweiler. While waiting on a long list for base housing while my family was stationed in Germany, we lived in a little village/municipality named Herchweiler. I got into all kinds of shenanigans there to include: Stupidly grabbing an electric cow retaining wire adjacent to our flat out of curiosity. Splitting my eyebrow open (requiring stitches) after chasing my sister around a village bus stop at about 6 a.m. Launching arrows into our neighbors' front yard. And regularly stopping by a pub after school (5th grade) to sit at the bar and happily sip the free Coca-Colas that Frau what's-her-face kindly gave a bunch of us kids. (Good luck to you kids stopping by in the post-Bush era.) It was indeed, a glorious age.

5) I can sing Christmas carols in Deutsch (German). German was required to be taught in DoDDS (Department of Defense Dependents Schools) there. Being the confused person I am, I went on to take Spanish in high school (after moving to California) and French in college. Now, besides "Stille Nacht" (Silent Night) and a few other yuletide favorites, I can't remember shit.

6) I was shy, then not, then shy again... Actually, the order was reversed. I was probably the most annoying child alive, because at an early age my parents led me to believe I was a Wile-E-Coyote super genius. I read encyclopedias...for fun. Being able to beat my parents in "Jeopardy!" didn't do much for me socially once I moved to California though. So I endured a shy, dork phase in which I actually avoided a few girls who had crushes on me, because I felt so awkward and nervous, I didn't know what to say or do (sigh). Around 11th grade something "clicked", and I was well on my way to not even being able to spell "modehstee." But, what I now lack in humility, I make up for in spades with pure, unbridled awesomeness.

7) I fell asleep at the wheel in Belgium on the way to Holland (to see a girl I was dating) and almost killed myself and another motorist. I hadn't had a single sip to drink; I was just super tired. I woke up - after dozing off while traveling on icy winter roads at around 85 mph - to realize the Autobahn (freeway) had somehow merged into a cross street with a stoplight. That light was red and a motorist who was less sleepy than I had stopped there, about 150 yards ahead. I moronically slammed the breaks and skidded forever until my car went off the road into the shoulder railing; somehow only breaking my front-left parking light.

8) I have or have had celebrity crushes on: Linda Carter, Diana Ross, Vanity, Susana Hoffs from "The Bangles", Janet Jackson, Kelly LeBrock, Ally Sheedy, Elisabeth Shue, Paula Abdul, Nia Long, Kim Basinger, Cameron Diaz, Zhang Ziyi, Mya, Salma Hayek, Claire Forlani, Rhianna, Persia White, Cate Blanchett, Norah Jones, Thandie Newton, Christina Ricci, Gabrielle Union, Kirstin Davis, Scarlett Johansson...

9) In addition to some ink on my upper-back and left arm, I have an English coat-of-arms styled griffin on my right arm. Admittedly, it was something I ran out and did on my 18th birthday as a means of claiming my new-found adult independence after a soul-crushing, conservative upbringing. Little did I know, the inking would literally brand me for life with several popular nicknames including the "Lowenbrau Man" and the "Food Lion."

10) I'm terrified of heights. I don't know where it started, but I have serious issues with altitude. If I look down from anything more than a three-story building, vertigo sets in and I get all freaked out. The funny thing is I LOVE to fly. Well, at least until it's time to land. I'll never skydive. You couldn't drag me near a cliff. Despite what cartoons have taught us, falling great distances does not end with your body scrunching into an out-of-tune meat accordion or lying in an indention that perfectly outlines your body.

17 comments:

Kat said...

I am moving to England in November. I am debating to put them into DOD schools or English schools. I am thinking I might do English so that they pick up the English accent quicker.

Kat said...

Oh them is my kids by the way. Apparently I was thinking ahead of my typing.

Aub said...

There will definitely be some adjusting if they go to an English school, but kids adapt so much more quickly than adults. Either way they'll get a good education. DoD schools are usually pretty solid. Congrats on the move. It sounds exciting.

Badass Geek said...

I am scared shitless of heights, too. Like, to stand up on a chair to shut the smoke alarm off, THAT freaks me out.

Aub said...

@Badass Geek:

I'm exactly the same way, man. I can't even use a really short ladder without my heart almost beating out of my chest. It's weird.

Lola said...

Oh, the memories. I took barbed wire to the eyebrow when I was sledding in a cow pasture as a kid. I like some of your celeb crushes, too.

I'm afraid of heights if I'm not physically involved in climbing something. I can climb a tree up to the top and be happy. I took trapeze lessons where I climbed way high and swung my ass on a trapeze, but if I am on a balcony in some building that I rode up in an elevator or on an amusement ride and I look down, I start to lose it.

Aub said...

Lola:

Are you sure you're afraid of heights? I'm the exact opposite. If I go up mechanically, then I'm fine. If I climb, or walk, or whatever, I need assistance.

Lola said...

Being a control freak, I'm not afraid if I'm in control of getting my ass there I guess.

Heather said...

LMAO @ Food Lion!!

My aunt lived in Germany for a few years and her children had an English nanny so when they came back over here they had the cutest little accents! They grew out of it though.

Lil Sass said...

hahaha re: this food lion reference. my friends who live in virginia think the logo looks like a dog. so they call the store the food dog. that's funny to me, ha!

Aub said...

@Heather:

Accents are so cool. Sometimes people accuse me of having one, but I think they just get confused by my stop-and-scoot speech delivery.

@Sass:

Food Dog, lol. I would've PREFERED that, I think. It could've worked for me in the 90's. "Awwww shit, there's the homie, Big Food Dawg!"

Heather said...

Yeah but Food dog coulda just meant they thought you were fat. You know, the FOOD dog, they dog who eats all the food? HAHAHA
Anyway, show us a pic of that one. Please? =)

Aub said...

@Heather:

I promise I'll post a pic of the "Food Dog" tattoo sometime in the next day or so.

Lil Sass said...

FOOD DOG

FOOD DOG

FOOD DOG

Heather said...

YAY!!

apathetic bliss said...

what is this FOOD LION you speak of? do post!!!! and yes barb wire...what fun...not!

MsMonis said...

in high school i watched 30 minutes of the second part of stephen king's "the stand" and had to sleep on my parent's floor for a week. IN HIGH SCHOOL.