Thursday, July 17, 2008

Job Woes

Dear readers,

I just flubbed a sponsor's ad on the air...badly. [chuckling] For some reason I find this immensely amusing when, for the sake of professionalism, I should be horrified. I mean mumbling over the airways like a deaf-mute virgin teenager who woke up to find his face smothered in vag isn't a good thing... in radio.

"Good Afternoon!" "I'm Aubrey Henry with your 12-40 K-R-J-Y news, traffic and weather update! Traffic is brought to you by the Air Quality Management District...visit them at is confusing...well, um, spare the air and your health, folks."

[shaking head] Tragic.

Apparently, the numerous gin/vodka tonics I've ingested over the past 10 years or so have pickled my brain something awful. My domesponge simply couldn't deal with the mind-boggling juxtaposition of the "dot com" portion of the ad and the period denoting the end of the sentence I was reading. It's times like these that I wonder if my parents have been hiding for years the awful secret that I'm really one-fourth mongoloid.

Anyhow, the point of today's entry is to discuss my future. As demonstrated by my obvious disregard for the finer points of radio etiquette-- I've determined, once and for all, that my talents in communicative expressionism would be better served in a written/typed medium.

I do get to write at work as I've explained earlier. It's written in a phonetic style that uses aspects of Associated Press style and blah, blah, blah. Well, take this gem of an excerpt for example:

" A wheelchair-bound woman described by police reports as "Mimi" lured the victim (blog note: victim was also in a wheelchair) to the intersection of Madison and Vine streets around midnight by pretending to need assistance. When the 59-year-old victim rolled up, a legless, black male in another wheelchair grabbed the older woman's purse and managed to take about 15-dollars from it before she pulled it away. Both suspects sped off eastbound on Vine Street."

Goddamn Shakespearean, aint it? But all of it, be it wheelchair bandits; feral kitten attacks; even Sacramento's annual summer trenchcoat flasher just, doesn't work for me anymore. So I'm considering new career options. I used to be interested in all kinds of neat-o shit before I allowed myself to get tracked into the doomed path of journalism.

At one time or another in my life I've wanted to be: a marine biologist, firefighter, Lion-O, cartoonist, food taster, bodybuilder, porn star, detective, fighter pilot, actor, lottery winner, pirate, ninja, ninja-pirate, rapper, singer, rock star, master thief, Prince of Monaco, shark fisherman, international man of mystery, political advisor, race car driver and art dealer.

If any of you would be so kind as to chime in with any great ideas for a new exciting career, I'd be in your debt. None of these other career choices have worked out so far.

Careerlessly yours,



Miss Grace said...

I don't think you really worked hard enough at Lion-O or ninja-pirate. Give one of those another go?

AnnaC said...

I was looking at this job announcement earlier today...

sounds like fun to me

Aub said...

Grace: I guess I could pull out the ole tights and sword and give it another go. I wonder if they still fit.

AnnaC: Thank you for the link I'm gonna go give it a looksee. Much appreciated.

April said...

Hi Brother,
Did you get that link I sent you yesterday?? Always on the lookout for you!


Lil Sass said...

This is gonna sound all hippy 'n shit but when I was doing some soul searching years ago, I read Po Bronson's "What Should I Do with My Life." It's a great book about how people followed their dreams and stopped being part of the rat race and did whatever it took to make it all happen. I know, sorry it's not such tangible advice.

Once I knew I was ready to leave teaching and the non-profit world, I did lots of deep thinking. What do I like to do in my free time and how can I make that into a job? What makes me tick? What kind of work environment do I succeed in best? What type of organization do I want to devote my time to? This kind of personal growth has paid off IMMENSELY but it wasn't the easy road. If you are willing to dedicate some hard-core thinking, during a months-long (or year long) journey, I PROMISE you it'll be worth it!

(I also used to work in HR and am happy to help, if you wanna bounce some ideas off me ;-) )

Aub said...


Yeah, I got it sis. Thanks a bunch. It seems like a viable gig. The resume's going out.

Aub said...


Thanks, chica. I'm defintely going through a rough patch in finding my way professionally. Your advice is much appreciated. I'll try and do my best to apply it. Methinks I'm gonna find that book and check it out.

Heather said...

Trade me jobs. I'm a stay at home mom and I babysit my 2 nieces. Sounds good, no?

Aub said...

Heather: Touche. Well played. =)

Sus said...

HAHAHA. Oh my god! Did you just list Lion-O as a career path? That is fucking hilarious.

Will your secretary be Cheetara?

Oh man. I am going to be giggling about that all morning.

By the way my old email address used to be Pretty sweet eh?!

Aub said...


Mummra@hotmail, lol! Yes indeed, that's pure awesomeness. Yeah, I kinda liked Thundercats as a child. Can ya tell? lol. And yes, Cheetara would be a valued member of my administration.

Lola said...

I'm thinking porn star. You could star in movies where you play a firefighter, ninja-pirate, etc, all with your junk hanging out.

Funny post. I'm here for the first time via Badass.

Aub said...


Yeah, I considered porn star in the guise of "ninja-pirate," but if my secret identity was ever revealed, my parents would utterly disavow me. I'm talkin changing of locks and telephone numbers. That would ruin Thanksgiving. Thanks though. Nice to "meet" you. =)

Badass Geek said...

I don't know why I haven't commented until now. I guess I'm just a bit of a slacker.

And I'm still aspiring to be someone who is not poor. I'll let you know when I achieve it.

Aub said...

Badass Geek,

Lol. I'm right there with ya.

AnnaC said...

Time for a new blog entry...