Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Two, if by me...

In my ongoing journey toward positive change of the personal variety (you already know of my professional struggles), I've decided to do some exercises in introspection. Below are two lists of qualities/aspects of life. The initial list was written using my memory of childhood as a perspective. It contains ten words I thought related to childhood, which is in my opinion a state of mind where a lot of happiness comes from. The other is my less positive psyche's interpretation of the first list...

Hopeful Aubrey (Inner Child)

1. Innocence: Hang-ups, Issues and prejudice be gone

2. Wonderment: Appreciating the everyday as well as the unique

3. Imagination: Magic exists where life isn't based solely on rules

4. Joy: Pure and unfettered, regardless of past or present

5. Discovery: Adventures in experience

6. Optimism: You can, and will...

7. Home: Safe, welcoming and loving

8. Holidays: Festivities, fun and enchantment for all

9. Freedom: Unchained from worldly worries and responsibility

10. Immortality: An end, so far off as to be unimaginable

Cynical Aubrey (Inner Old Man)

1. Debauchery: Boobies and doobies and booze, oh my.

2. Complacency: Nada nu: Aubreyese for sick (of) home; evil stepbrother of homesick

3. Pragmatism: Magic? How bout making these damn bills disappear, Houdini?

4. Joy: Tainted and finite; as misery, pre-experienced or anticipated, is often used to define it

5. Discovery: A television channel featuring crazy Australians getting attacked by dingoes

6. Realism: If you could have, you would have

7. Home: Double locked, close to work and affordable

8. Holidays: Crowds, fruitcake, insatiable children and the empty wallets they leave in their wake

9. Slavery: Bills, bills, bills... Can't live with em'... Won't die without them

10. Death: Aches, gray hairs and suspicious lumps...reminders of your future as compost

After reviewing the lists, I decided I must find a way to successfully marry these two states of mind. They're definitely both a part of me, but they tend to take separate turns in the control room. One allows me to experience the beautiful things that life has to offer and reflect on them in a way that has personal meaning. One keeps me safe, out of trouble and (usually) gainfully employed. Lately I feel this duality has gotten a little one-sided in favor of the cane-shaker, and is consequently making a crap situation that much more unpleasant. Scrooge is depriving me of what little joy that is available to me at this juncture in my life. He's a sour, cantankerous bastard and I wish he would learn to lighten up or go away.


Badass Geek said...

Being positive is a constant struggle, in a time when negativity screams at us from so many different angles.

You've got the right idea, though.

Heather said...

Excellent post, Aub. You know, you've got something really special inside of you whether you realize that or not (I think you do realize it though) and I'm glad to see you back on here.

Life has a way of doing a number on us, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

Just remember, you are the ONLY one who can determine what your mindset or attitude will be. I think realizing that you are the one in control, even when it feels like you aren't, can really help one turn their situation around.

You can do it! We are all rooting for you!!

Aub said...

Badass: Thanks, man. It really is hard sometimes to not be a joysucker, but a negative attitude hasn't been much help for sure.

Heather: Yes indeed. Life is a funny thing. But, I guess you take the good stuff with the not so good whether you like it or not.

Sus:I'm coming around attitude-wise. And things will get better. Thanks for your (and everybody's) support. It is truly appreciated.

mongoliangirl said...

Aub! I love this post! And I would like you to know you've inspired me to share the Mongoliangirl tactic for dealing with 'Bad Mongoliangirl'.
"Hi Bad Mongoliangirl! I can tell by the way you are jumping around in your seat like fuckin' Horshack from the days of 'Mr. Cotter' that you have something to say?"
And then I listen to EVERYTHING 'Bad Mongoliangirl' has to say while enthusiastically nodding my head.
"Thank you Bad Mongoliangirl! That was fabulous! You are fucking brilliant! Now, your time for sharing is over and you will have to sit the down and shut the fuck up."
And then I go on with my day.
Uh...unless 'Bad Mongoliangirl' has some creative ways to cuss out a neighbor or get funkafied with my husband. Then I just, you know, kind of go with it.

Aub said...

Mongolian Girl: Lolz. That was too funny. I will have to try the Mongolian Girl to Bad Mongolian Girl mehtod of appeasement. Perhaps inner child Aubrey and crochety old Aubrey can co-exist after all.

Kat said...

I like your inner child. Go with him. I think it will serve you better in the long run.

Lola said...

My inner child and my crotchety have been co-existing for many, many years. I like the positive child views, but that debauchery category has to be thrown in there for me.

You'll find your balance. You're too smart not to. So, e-mail me with the debauchery details, please. Help an old married lady out.

Anonymous said...

Hey Aub. How are you doing these days?

LilSass said...

Aub, I tried to email you and it came back to me. And now I see you're not on Twitter anymore. I'm more worried now than I was months ago.


Heather said...

Come back Aub!!

gingermagnolia said...

Hi, I found you via Lola's blog, and this strikes such a chord. It is SO hard to maintain that wonderment and joy in simple things, but when you find it, it's just amazing.