Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Where the Boys Aren't

I have been led to believe by many friends that I, yours truly, am one the finest examples of contradictory behavior around. Of course many of these "contradictions" are based on dated stereotypes that have no place in a world where immeasurable knowledge is only a keystroke away. No neurosis, no questionable behavior could ever draw more attention to a man than actions deemed inconsistent with traditional manhood.

For example: I'm a pretty stout fellow; particularly for my height (I'm 5' 10"), and as a guy, that works for me. A fair portion of men enjoy few things more than hoisting heavy, inanimate, metal objects over their heads repeatedly while grunting. I'm especially talented in this respect. Here I am about to perform an incline dumbbell press.

Just kidding. That's former Mr. Olympia finalist Flex Wheeler about to throw up around 200 lbs...per arm. But, I do enjoy doing this type of thing; albeit with slightly less weight. I also enjoy participating in pick-up games of tackle football and scarfing mustard-drenched Polish dogs at AT&T Park. I was a better-than-average student of boxing in college, and I can consistently throw the 15-yard-out pattern with some degree of success. So when the game is won and the Heinekens have been chugged, I go home, take a shower, and if I'm in the mood... BAM! I'm slicing onions and concocting sauces and basically pretending that it's my face on the package of Uncle Ben's instant rice (I'm certain that line would go over wonderfully with the NAACP). These fits of culinary inspiration come-and-go, but I've grown progressively more focused and Zen-like in the kitchen, which has become the source of much comedy among my buddies. Meet Chef Boy-Au-brey. Charmed, I presume?

In the past I was a slave to animal impulses, and although I knew it wasn't always fair, I demanded girlfriends to paint their toes strange, bright colors and join me at the gym lest they become casualties of dreaded "girlfriend gain." I also unabashedly requested they wear shoes that probably weren't safe (let alone comfortable) from time-to-time. In short, I suffered severe bouts of douche-itis in my 20's. I've shared many a chuckle with the guys over similar Cro-Magnon antics they perpetrated on gals. But those laughs are turned squarely on me if I show up for the holiday pot-luck wearing...

That's right...a tweed charcoal blazer and button-down combination (with matching scarf, of course). Again, this is the source of a whole 'lotta snickering. Perhaps describing it as "charcoal" doesn't help. Look fellas, I understand that I don't live in Paris or London, but how does blazer + matching clothes + scarf = this guy?I mean, gimme a fuckin' break, lol. Is it the social climate in America (or more specifically Sacramento) demanding I embrace my fashion douchebag? Or could some preconceived notion; some archetypal influence be at work? I may never know for sure. One thing I do know is that if you draped a FUBU shirt over my dead body, I'd instantly resurrect and put my thumbs in your eyes. Hey, I'm just saying.

It appears I'm too mixed up and European (my boss called me that today) to know when I'm treading in "fairy-boy" territory. Now I'm even starting to question whether or not blogging is unmanly. I mean, I've searched and searched and besides Badass Geek, I've yet to find a coherent blog written by anyone with a Y-chromosome. There's literally about a 10-t0-1 female-to-male ratio of bloggers as far as I've seen. And that doesn't make me feel any more capable of ripping a phone book in half with my bare hands.

So, should I tweak things to make sure Catnip is TE (Testosterone/Estrogen) balanced? Should the title be changed to "Dogbones for Dipshits"? Maybe throw in some posts about the upcoming NFL season? I could do a comparison piece titled... New York Strip vs. Sirloin: Rage on the Grill. How about the pros and cons of Ultimate Fighting as a high school sports activity? I'm not sure, but perhaps sharing what happened during my day might be too similar to sharing my feelings...or writing poetry. And that's just gross, isn't it?

What do you guys/gals think? Are my testosterone-fueled insecurities founded?

Please share your feeli...err, thoughts on this with me.


April said...

Brother, what do your now 3 sisters always tell you... you're just 1 of a kind... and that's why we love you! Don't conform, don't question or compare, just be... and for the record... YOU'RE A MANLY BEAST lol! Feel better?? I can go for a more sporty ensemble the next time we have one of our gay fashion dates =/? Does that sparkle with you? Lol, anyways love you bro, see you Saturday!

Aub said...

LOLZ! They are NOT "gay fashion dates!" You are my image and style consultant. I trust your impeccable sense of style more than my own because I'd be covered in Phat Farm without it. I couldn't even match my belt with my clothes before you taught me better! Love ya too, sis.

Badass Geek said...

Dude... I was totally going to rag on you about writing about fashion on your blog... and then you mentioned me. So I decided I wasn't going to.

It's okay to express yourself in any way you see fit. Fuck the standards and what the media states is acceptable.

Aub said...

Badass Geek,

Yeah, I knew I was askin' for trouble, but I figured it would make for interesting subject matter. Nobody can say I don't take chances. Lol. Thanks.

Miss Grace said...

AND I'm spent.

Aub said...

Miss Grace,

Thank you for the research. I'll see what's goin' on with those links.

Miss Grace said...

Oh, and

AnnaC said...

My favorite male blogger:

check out the blogroll on this site: -- she's a good friend of mine in real life and trust her opinion on folks, plus I did find the above site.

Aub said...


Thanks for the links. I'm starting to not feel so alone in the (blog) world, lol.

Ms. Moon said...

There are so many man bloggers! My son blogs at

It takes a REAL man to be a blogger.
(Or something like that.)

kitten22481 said...

I was going to mention the same bloggers as miss grace. Oh and metrodad works in the fashion industry and is totally hetero.

EquisBuffy said...

What is there to be insecure about I thought being Metrosexual was a trend that has been embraced, or is that only by white men? Regardless, be you and rock it with pride…umm not the rainbow flag waving type of pride well you know what I mean.

Aub said...

@Ms. Moon: Thanks, I was worried for a minute. I'll check out your son's blog.

@Kitten: Yeah, I saw Metrodad on the list. I've only been able to make it to "windinyourvagina" which rocks by the way." Thanks.

@Equisbuffy:I guess I've just been in denial about my metro tendencies because, there's still remnants of "Mr. Tough Guy" left in me from the military and my 20's.


Heather said...

This above all: to thine ownself be true.

Aub said...


I try. Sometimes that's an embarassing/lonely road to travel, lol. At least I'm good at puttin' on a brave face.


Insane Mama said...

DO NOT EVER CONFORM! Being on of a kind is a great gift... and if writing about fashion helps, then DO IT!
My blog is so completely random it scares even me.

Lola said...

Let me get this straight. You think that to enjoy cooking and dress well makes you not so manly? Please. That makes about 90 percent of the women in this world very happy. NEVER do what you think others want you to do. You're way too smart for that.

I love the name of your blog, and I'm a little more tomboy than most.

Chef-Boy-Aubrey is pretty damn funny, though.

Aub said...

@Insane Mama: Randomness is fun, aint it? I get pissed at myself when I worry too much about how people think of me (Although constructive, helpful criticism can be a healthy thing). Thanks.

@Lola: Sometimes there seems to be a slight disconnect between what seems desirable for women and what some actually go for. But yeah, I'm pretty much unchangeable at this point, so haters get the bird.

Sus said...

First off, those shoes are definitely worth a 15% tip. The tip of what, you can decide for yourself ;).

Second, if you stop blogging, I will never read your site again. Nice, how that sounds like a threat...but is more like stating the obvious.

Aub said...


I don't have the words, lol. I wonder if I can get away with using that "tip" line at the pub without getting slapped by the waitress.